Me and S have split up. There's never really been the whole "we are over" defining point, so I'm still not sure when it happened. All I know is I'm single and the break up is proving difficult.
I don't want to be nasty about him, or be immature in my handling of it. This seems to be the main thing that's causing problems at the moment. S is not as mature as me, he's not as hopeful ( or, most likely, naive) about us remaining friends. There's a lot of social isolation that goes on through a break up, and this is hitting me hard. I don't have many friends at all, and he is the only person I really know within the city.
S is also incredibly selfish. Every interaction must be on his terms, every meeting will be when he wants. It was like this in our relationship and is one of the main reasons we broke up. I wanted to be able to rely on him and to have some emotional support when I needed it, which he could not (or, thinking about it, would not) provide.
It's hard to be friends with someone who will not do the normal give and take any friendship needs to survive. It's annoying when he cancels plans vindictively, prioritises things above me or even lies to me about being ill and then is suddenly better later in the day. I know I am not asking too much to see someone on my schedule, or to have plans made and stuck to. I am wondering how long I can deal with him being like this before I simply move on.
We did share nearly a year together, and he was my first proper partner. I am bound to be upset and feel badly about the break up for a while. I am wondering though how long I will have to torture myself and put myself second in order to try to have a healthy friendship when it would be so much easier to cut him out of my life.
I did not really blog about my relationship, because there was nothing to blog about. Sex was not really that adventurous or often and S was not as into kink as I was. The sex we had was average to most people so I did not really see the point of writing about it. Unemployment, then work and chronic fatigue meant I did not get many review products or contribute much to the on-line communities. This is a shame as I do enjoy blogging, even if I do not really have any major followings or readerships.
The main thing is that I am healing, and trying to better myself through this process. I have learnt what works for me and what does not and hopefully I shall feel ready to date again.
